The Understanding

This world is a beautiful place, filled with many countries, cultures, ethnicities, creeds, dialects, languages, and ways of life.

I love our differences, as they should only bring us closer.
I love seeing how people can grow without biases and if a bias exists, I love to see how people can grow beyond those biases.

Placing bias thoughts aside and stepping into the shoes of those you may not understand is they key to mental preservation.
Why spend a lifetime hating what you don’t understand?
When you can dig deeper into what you hate and build appreciation.

Adulation is not expected, but an understanding is necessary to help society move forward.
Your thoughts, your words, your actions, your feelings can only be understood if you understand the same for the words of others, the actions of others and the feelings of others.

Sometimes I feel that we live in a society that judges the title of a persons story without opening the book.

RVann11 – 20 Nov 2015

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Words

-It’s funny how one knows thyself and what’s deep inside of me.
-My indiscretions because of my imperfections are what’s biting me.
-Bothering me, I fight them; I try to scratch my way out.
-And hope deep down inside, they will never see another day out.

-I’d hate to go the same route; fueled by others disbelief and doubt.
-I scream and shout, if I can’t be abouts…then I might as well see my way out.
-I don’t need your negativity, don’t need your vile reactions.
-I been begging and crying for action, instead I get dissatisfaction.

-I can understand your hurt and understand your pain.
-But when I’m at the lowest of my lows, I need an umbrella for all that rain.
-Your upset…I understand.
-But I came to you with a plan, to change R Vann…but you stained R Vann

-Went back to the bottle, went back to the pain.
-Went back to the drama, went back to more rain.
-Went insane, because I can’t believe what I heard from you.
-I trust you, love you and wish everyday I could hug you.

-In my mind, there’s no one above you and your words to me.
-Someone else can say the same, but it won’t burn in me.
-So when I heard those words and how harsh they sound.
-I went and got hammered all weekend to calm me down.

-When your upset, I can take it…shit never bothered the man in me.
-But it hurts so much, when your told you pissed on the family.
-No illegals in my pocket or within my bloodstream.
-And everyday that sun beam, this son dreams.

-All I ever wanted was the best and my path was recharged.
-Eating better, drinking better, breathing better, thinking better.
-It ain’t that hard.

-Love you to death, cherish all of your support throughout the years.
-Because of my fears over the years and my choice in peers, you’ve shed tears, that I could never repair.

-I know at the end of the day, I love you more than life.
-And the main reason why I’m breathing, is to enjoy your life.
-You’ve held me up through many days of pain.
-Got me to speak up, because you never made me feel I was insane.

-Never spoke in vain, never spoke to pain
-Never spoke to drain, the life out my brain.
-Always encouraging, always endearing.
-Always engaging, never disappearing.

Reaching Out with Your Guidance

This is what they saw in me when I was young…smooth in the face…chubby in the cheeks…

Smiling all the time…running around as an adolescent…they would put me to sleep…

They would hold me, guide me….always wanted the best of me…

Always wanted me to be…all the things that I couldn’t see…

They brought light to my darkness…sunshine to my rain

Pleasure to my pain…and humbleness to my gains…

Always encouraged me to work hard and strive for the best…

If I failed the first time, they showed me that there is always another test…

They prepared me for those days…in which… I would see another challenge…
They guided me so swiftly…hoping that I could manage…

This thing we call life, is tricky and complicated…
All I ever wanted to do was tell you one day…that your boy had made it…

In return I always ask that my failures are never used against me…
But used as encouragement to get the best of me…

Not used as a way to tear me apart, pierce my mind and my heart…
I need a fresh start, but don’t know where to the let the old ways depart…

Finding ways to let the old me go, and the new me in…
This is where I struggle the most, because I don’t know where to begin….

I don’t know how to open up and let you prove your point…
I don’t know how to let you take control…
I am confused on how to save my soul…

I need help…that I am quite sure of…
I need help…that comes from here and from above…

I need help…but to ask…I always appear to be nervous…
I hate to ask for help…I feel asking…is making me someone’s burden…

This is not a true fact…I really need to understand…
Because on the other side of my weakness…I see your extending hand…

Why do I think, everyone would be better off without my problems?…
When I could have reached out…and found someone who could solve them…

This is a something I need to fight, get over and stay true…
Because my judgements of me…kept me from reaching out to you…

R Vann Eleven

At War with Him

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I don’t understand, …I can’t understand
Until I touch that stove and burn my hand

…Until I take that metallic rod out into a thunderstorm, that’s violently moving
And finally feel the pulsating vibe of…self electrocution

When I burn that hand, I become immune to the pain…
Which is sad…because a man would  heal that hand and make a plan…

I can’t tell you why Im so risky…why I take so many chances
It’s hurts, because Im dying on the inside…and I know all the answers

Knowing hurts more than not knowing at all…
Knowing hurts more when you seen how far you can fall…
Knowing hurts more, when you have the gall…
…to orchestrate your own fall without anyone’s help at all…

Knowing, keeps me up all night; although Im tired as heck and need rest…
Knowing keeps me uneasy, unhappy, unhealthy, and mentally depressed…

When you’ve worked so hard for years to avoid life’s mistakes…
Then your life can be impacted by a decision you make on one bad day…

There’s nothing I can promise, because my words contradict…
It’s getting to the point where those close to me, think Im full of ____…

War of Words between you and I, fry’s the brain cells in my mind…
Boils the blood within my system, and fades the cleanliness of my soul; blocking my vision…

I can’t see, I can’t hear…I won’t see, I won’t hear…
I block out everything near, and let you have my ear…
…when I listen to you…I have no fears….

I let you take control of my mind, when I know your wrong…
I sit there and I battle you, on and on…everyday is a fight to prove you wrong…

Your never right, so why must I argue with you or give you the time…
I know if I drop your dead weight, I will shine…and the world is mine…

Why don’t you disappear, go away, never come back, please…
I ask please…but when I ask please…he attacks me…

I can’t shake him…I can’t get him away from me…
It’s so hard because whenever I look in the mirror…it is HE that’s facing me…

When I run, he’s right there behind, chasing me…
Keeping me in a whole lot of trouble and whole lot more complacency…

…Someone please help me get this mother$&@?er…. away from me….

While he’s, chasing me, he asking blatantly…
Why are you working on erasing me?…
Why can’t you accept us, and keep us true and two…
Why do you hate me, when hating me…means your hating you?…

Liquid Relationship part 1

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For eleven years you have been there for me through the good times and bad ones.

I found friends that loved you as much as I have ….and found some ….who thought our bond was too close and too bad.

The ones who loved you as much as I have kept us together throughout all of the good and bad times.

The ones who couldn’t love you as equally …kept me away from you as long as they could.

I am blinded by your affection as you can mask my imperfections. However my love of you …always guides me onto a path of misdirection.

I have never made great choices with you in my arms. It took so long to realize that you do less good than you do harm.

I felt that I could write with you in my clutch. But am I right if I’m walking away in handcuffs. Turning dust to mud and mud to dust.

I don’t think ya’ll understand…dust to mud is a solid to a liquid…mud to dust is a liquid to solid.

Regardless of how I right it or rock it…reciprocally…it’s tha cause of my problems.

I looked to you for solutions, but all you did was make things worse.

How bad will things get until I hit that hurst.

I feel I’m cursed, I’m damaged…I don’t know what a plan is or who this man is…who R. Vann is?

32 years of the trying to figure out my placement onto this earth…the struggles of me finding my genius is always my curse.

I’m trapped between a Masters Degree mentality and an attitude that takes too many chances.

Looking for answers trying to figure out what my plan is.

Then I turn to you, when I get lonely, bored, happy, unhappy, sad, discouraged and encouraged.

I always knew that mentally …I had a pair of big ones. Taking on any challengers. I’m a small one …but I always took on the big guns.

I can’t keep you away from me…can’t keep you on the shelf…but I cant teach myself…to man up and ask for help.

Is that really staying strong?
Is that really taking on the big guns?

Because I got a big gun and that big gun has control of my system.

R. Vann Eleven…I haven’t heard from you in days…because I was hammered in a haze ruing my better ways.

This is crazy… Because I can’t shake you.

Maddening because when I dated women…i’d rather be at home dating you.

I wake up the next morning and I’m straight hating you…same night…I’m embracing you. No matter how much… I hate chasing you.

Facing you…telling you that you are the enemy…when consumed in large batches….you are no friend of me.

You come highly advertised and easy to access…Easley can control my mind and my actions…my passions and satisfactions.

With you I’m relaxing and I always thought that it was bugged…that people would judge…what we had between us.

I loved you for too long and maybe we need some time apart…this is true in my thoughts; however it may break our hearts.

R. Vann Eleven

Stay Up (10/19/13) Orgin

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Life has it’s pitfalls and challenges. Those challenges are going to present many challengers.

The life that you live is a life of purity until that purity is tainted by negativity.

We all experience negativity. It does not matter your background or socioeconomic standing.

To those that are having a hard time gripping the realities of life, just remember that life is a journey and there will always be tough paths along the way.

A person you love and trust may harm you. The person you love may not love you as equally. But love is universal.

You have to stay true to you and always be positive with the person within and not show malice towards the faults of others.

The faults of others will need help and guidance if they are willing to accept the help and guidance that you bring forth.

Never distance yourself from the help and love that you may bring to others as long as it does not impeded your confidence and character.

R. Vann Eleven

The Opening

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Throughout life we make choices that we may or may not be too proud of.
I am guilty of making those choices myself.

I am constantly at war with my conscious.

Being on the losing end in a war with your conscious may only mean making one mistake a year; however that one mistake can be one that can do more harm than all the work it took to keep thyself away from making it in the first place.

My life is mostly pristine when it comes to making the right decisions to get to a point that most people do not believe they can reach.

I always believe in myself and always stay optimistic.

Is that optimism too much?
Is there such a thing as having too much optimism?
Always believing things can get better or will be better?

Is my optimism comparable to the same level of optimism in a gambler? Continuously taking chances, only to know that one day those chances will run out?

I believe in karma more than most; however will I see my karma return within my lifetime?

Or have I not given as much good karma as I think and therefore my returns aren’t what they are because…

It doesn’t matter the day or night…I will continue the fight.

No matter what people may say or think…I will always hold my head high.

I believe in myself and I believe in my decisions…although I do not agree with all of my decisions.

Life is a journey and I’m on this path of life until my life ends…regardless of how it ends…I want to continue to leave a positive imprint and impact on as many lives I touch and not harm another life as long as I breathe.

Whether that touch comes from speaking, writing, my friendship, my compassion, companion ism, I will be there for all mentally…all I ask is for is to receive the same…

R. Vann Eleven