For eleven years you have been there for me through the good times and bad ones.
I found friends that loved you as much as I have ….and found some ….who thought our bond was too close and too bad.
The ones who loved you as much as I have kept us together throughout all of the good and bad times.
The ones who couldn’t love you as equally …kept me away from you as long as they could.
I am blinded by your affection as you can mask my imperfections. However my love of you …always guides me onto a path of misdirection.
I have never made great choices with you in my arms. It took so long to realize that you do less good than you do harm.
I felt that I could write with you in my clutch. But am I right if I’m walking away in handcuffs. Turning dust to mud and mud to dust.
I don’t think ya’ll understand…dust to mud is a solid to a liquid…mud to dust is a liquid to solid.
Regardless of how I right it or rock it…reciprocally…it’s tha cause of my problems.
I looked to you for solutions, but all you did was make things worse.
How bad will things get until I hit that hurst.
I feel I’m cursed, I’m damaged…I don’t know what a plan is or who this man is…who R. Vann is?
32 years of the trying to figure out my placement onto this earth…the struggles of me finding my genius is always my curse.
I’m trapped between a Masters Degree mentality and an attitude that takes too many chances.
Looking for answers trying to figure out what my plan is.
Then I turn to you, when I get lonely, bored, happy, unhappy, sad, discouraged and encouraged.
I always knew that mentally …I had a pair of big ones. Taking on any challengers. I’m a small one …but I always took on the big guns.
I can’t keep you away from me…can’t keep you on the shelf…but I cant teach myself…to man up and ask for help.
Is that really staying strong?
Is that really taking on the big guns?
Because I got a big gun and that big gun has control of my system.
R. Vann Eleven…I haven’t heard from you in days…because I was hammered in a haze ruing my better ways.
This is crazy… Because I can’t shake you.
Maddening because when I dated women…i’d rather be at home dating you.
I wake up the next morning and I’m straight hating you…same night…I’m embracing you. No matter how much… I hate chasing you.
Facing you…telling you that you are the enemy…when consumed in large batches….you are no friend of me.
You come highly advertised and easy to access…Easley can control my mind and my actions…my passions and satisfactions.
With you I’m relaxing and I always thought that it was bugged…that people would judge…what we had between us.
I loved you for too long and maybe we need some time apart…this is true in my thoughts; however it may break our hearts.
R. Vann Eleven